Soviet Secrets

Forget about where Putin’s stashed his cash or where the Mars probe has really gone – these are the really important things that the Russians are keeping mum about:

Q: How do 90% of Russian women manage to canter across icy pavements in 6” stiletto heels while maintaining perfect posture, poise and elegance and STILL avoid the really nasty frozen “oysters” that are guaranteed to send muggings here a cropper?

A: Said heels are equipped with Formula 1 Grade tyre grips on bottom of soles – I know, I know GENIUS!!! How ramrod straight back is achieved is still to be discovered – am suspecting that it may have something to do with scraping hair back in tight pony tail and this is somehow connected to a pulley system round the back...ahem

Q: Why are nearly all doors in Russia industrial strength nuclear bomb shelter proof thickness (ala Cagney & Lacey)?

A: Not sure think it may be to keep the cold out and the warmth in, or I perhaps live in a really bad neighbourhood full of criminals and drug lords... this however would not explain why all the doors to the Metro weigh about the same as a baby elephant and are designed to knock you out if you get your timing wrong (bit tricky in rush hour that one – have bruise to prove it). Can only conclude so far that this is a city wide initiative to build the upper body strength of the general populace in order that small children can win weightlifting championships see link  http://rt.com/sport/powerlifting-maryana-naumova-guinness-record-765-881/ – I kid you not.

Q: Where can you buy loo roll for under 10 quid in Moscow?

A: I don’t know, but definitely not at the place that charges £25 for a copy of last month’s Marie Claire. YES. TWENTY FIVE QUID. Try to imagine my Dad going ’Fooking ‘ell that’s daylight bleedin robbri!!’ and you may be able to picture my surprise when questioned by the shop assistant (in Rooski) whether I did indeed wish to go ahead with this purchase – NEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEET!!  I’m still taking deep breaths of disbelief over that one - I mean come on £25 whhhhhaaaaaat?????

Q: Why do you have to take your coat off when you go to the dentist – even if you’re not actually going to see the dentist?

A: Ahem... nope can’t actually think of any reason at all why not removing one’s coat should be deemed so heinously unhygienic as to almost get one removed by security and manhandled out of the waiting area...answers on a postcard please.

Q: Expiry dates

A: COMPLETE AND UTTER MYSTERY.  They do not exist in Russia. Sure there are dates on food but what do they actually refer to... nada, zilch, nufink. I think someone actually just makes them up – just one date puuuuuurlease, please, please. It’s hard enough trying to work out the difference between pesto and chilli tomato ketchup (don’t laugh it’s very easily done and makes for a pretty 'orrible Penne All'Arrabbiata) without having to work out whether the bread is mouldy too.

Last but not least I’ve also been reliably informed that more people are killed by icicles than polonium in Russia – apparently icicle warnings don’t sell papers.